43

They say that when a girl is quiet, a thousand things are running through her mind.

Saying the wrong things would make you mad, not saying anything would make you mad. But I just can't bring myself to say the right things. I kept thinking why should I keep to my side of the deal if you didn't. And I realised that it's not about the deal. It's never about doing what the other person wants because you have to, but about doing what the other person wants because that's what makes him/her happy. And maybe we just both can't get there.

42

I don't know why the way you acted made me cry again and again. It doesn't matter if you want to deny this till your death, I know the truth and I will never forgive you for it. Before the talk, I kept thinking about how it will turn out to be, what are the right words to say and whether you making the right decision would give me the urge to forgive you. The urge that I didn't want to have. So I'm glad things turned out this way. I'm glad I hope she doesn't know because, it would really kill me to know that she was tolerating your bullshit because of us, or because of me.

I wish I could say I just want to go to sleep and wake up with everything the way it was before. But right now, I just want to right things as quickly and as painlessly I can. I'm dreading this Saturday, I'm dreading all the instances that I have to face you and them cause you three just don't deserve us. You can have your favourite dinner yourselves.

No second chances. Not for a cowardly, egoistic bastard.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I could just hug you and tell you that things are going to be okay. No matter what, you will have us by your side. No matter what, we will do our very best to protect you and keep you happy. When you're not here, I just want to make my way to see you and be by your side. But when I see you, I don't know how to face you. And I don't want to break your happy bubble, but I must. I just hope that you can make that decision for yourself and know that you're moving on to a better, happier phase of your life.

9 years ago, I told myself to be strong for you.
9 years later, I'm sure I can do it again, this time, for the right reason.

Whenever I feel like the world's being a bully, I always go to you and cry my eyes. Right now, I really wish I could.

41

Whenever something good or bad happens, there's always different ways to think about it. Whether it is a result of our own doing or an external cause. I've always thought that having an internal locus of control is better, since that means I'd always strive hard to achieve good things and that I'd always aim to change my behaviour and actions to avoid bad things from happening. But I realised, that's not always the case. There's nothing in accepting an external locus of control sometimes, viewing what has happened as simply luck or circumstance. Things may go our way (or not) and maybe it's nice to disregard our ability to make that happen.

40

Well, just one post away and it's another rage post.

I promise, I'll never raise my family this way.

Committing mistakes repeatedly comes with no negative warnings, no punishments and no ill consequences whatsoever. But pointing out mistakes does. And what does that lead to?
More mistakes and no incentives to be the good kid.

Now I'm just contemplating working with you.

39

I had this sudden urge to make sure this doesn't become just an avenue for me to vent my frustrations. I started out wanting it to document special events in my life, something for me to look back on to remember what I'm like, the thoughts running through my head and the way I've been living my life.

So yes, two events that I want to remember happened today.

The first was when a group of kindergarten kids walked past me this morning. And one cheeky little boy grinned and waved at me. When I smiled back, him and his group of friends giggled to themselves. I guess it's just the kind of naivety that really struck me and somehow I wished I kept that little part of me: the younger me that never feared strangers. But well, at least I know that no matter how I say I'm not a fan of kids, I still am.

Well the second, isn't exactly a special event. But crossing the road after dinner with my dad made me realise how much you're like him. I've always been able to take care of myself, and even others. I'm independent and I can live alone (with the exception of eating out). But somehow, when I'm with the two of you, a simple decision of when to cross the road becomes difficult because I'm waiting for you to lead the way. Don't worry, I can do this perfectly well when I'm on my own.

Hehe, I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't laugh when I can't decide what to eat, it's all your fault! :p

38

I told you not to let him buy it. Now I'm just thinking of the best ways to get back.

37

Stop making bad decisions.