09

I think I've decided. I just feel like I enjoy being with you, but I enjoy other people to be around at the same time. I don't know. I'm not saying I feel awkward with you alone. I just feel like our relationship is becoming like a sibling/friend relationship instead of having that heart pumping feeling. Honestly, I miss it. I miss being touched by a guy's affection, a guy's sincere heart and a guy going out of his way to make me happy. But I don't know how long I have gone without that feeling. I know you love me. I still love you too. We just don't know how to show our love in a way that the other appreciates it the most.
I guess today made me realise how different we are. All those FT talks, those personality traits and stuff make me realise that if we don't change the way we treat one another or change what we expect from one another, life together is just going to be so difficult. I need control over my life. I need plans. I need routine and habits. You need spontaneous changes and flexibility. I understand that. I don't know how to give you that, but I understand that at the very least. I don't think you do with me. It's not only today that I know we are different. But it's only today that I realise that these 2 years have been wasted because we did not try to change or fix all these differences.
I give up trying to celebrate our anniversaries. I promise. If we are going to be together still, I give up celebrating our monthly anniversaries. What's the point of saying "one down, many more to come" when I don't even want that anymore. I just feel like taking a look into that magic mirror and looking into my future to know who's going to be my Mr Right. My that last wish, I still count on you. I'm tired. Of trying to make you understand how I am feeling. Of trying to tell you what I want, what will truly make me happy. Of trying to gain more control of you cause you are such a big part in my life. And then failing desperately. I figured I got confused along the way. I got mixed up between what I truly want and what I think I want. And I realised, it's not so much about my life but more about my relationship.
Remember my Facebook post, it wasn't about life. It was about you. I felt unhappy. I feel unhappy when I don't know something. But talking made me clear I still want the same things in life. I just want a different partner to share it with. I want someone who understands me and gives in when I'm angry but makes me realise my blind spots when I'm appeased. I'm not trying to say give in to me even when I'm unreasonable. I'm saying tell me later cause you know I'm not going to listen when I'm angry anyway. Every time I bring up a topic, something I dislike, I end up being reprimanded although I started off angry. It's confusing for me. I end up thinking oh is it my fault? Only to realise that I merely lost the battle amidst the confusion.
You said relationship is about sacrifices and making the other person happy. I'm not saying you didn't do your part, I'm saying we didn't do ours. Have you realised that we started becoming each other's BFFs instead? I wonder if you feel this way too actually. That I'm just your most convenient friend to call along for dinner, your most convenient friend work with and your most convenient friend to call every night.
Sometimes, I wish I could replay all these again. Just to see if things would still end up this way.
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