13

Give me strength, just for one last day. Not hard guys, just not a 100% ever again. Dumb shit.

12

I want to tell you. I want to talk to you. But it seems like you're never there to listen. You can't even hold your gaze, so what's the point? I'm sorry. Cause once again, I'm the stupid one.

11

I finally understand. The whole picture of it, now I know who I can count on. Honestly, I was so angry because I was forced to let it go when I am not capable of it yet. By them, and now by you. I will do it, when he gets his just desserts. Just not now, not when nothing is accomplished. You think I'm overly concerned of little things, well maybe I am. But guess what, that's just me wanting a little more fairness in this world. It's just me saying "if you say you're not fair and you show bias, then so be it. Say it and I'll let you be bias". That's just me saying "if you don't have the guts to say it, you jolly well not have the guts to do it either". How is that wrong? You saying it in my face that since I'm overly concerned of little things in my life, I can't amount to anything in life and then saying that you're on my side - that's not wrong, that's just plain dumb. Well too bad. Maybe I would believe you in the past. With that simple mind of mine. But right now, it's too late. I can't amount to anything in life? Yes, maybe. But that depends on what I want out of my life. I've made choices that leads me to never achieving success in the corporate world. That's fine. I'm totally clear on what I want and I'm well on my way to achieve it. What about you? If you don't even have an aim or if you don't know how to get there, don't go judging the capabilities of others. Anyway, you taught me something today. You woke me up and taught me that the only one I can be my true self in front of is Bboy. Honestly. I always thought once I have to hide my true self, my true emotions in front of my partner, it's a gone case. That's fine.
Today reminded me of an issue I have with you left unresolved. Well, not saying I'm going to resolve it. Just saying that I have not forgotten about it. Bro, I won't forget. Someday, your words will be used against you. And well, the two, they can act all they want. I'm not dumb.

10

Honestly, today's paper was just a torture. Thanks for the 3 hours when like 1/3 of the time spent was figuring out what the question wanted in the first place. How can something so easy be phrased in such a incomprehensible manner? Am I tested on my knowledge or my ability to comprehend weird English. I just feel so unjust because I tried. I spent my effort trying to understand but I felt like I just wasted my efforts. It's okay. It's time to move on.

I'm confused. At times, I feel like things are getting better and well, maybe with effort on both parts, we can really end up being happily ever after. Of course, not to forget some minor squabbles. But well, those are the good days. Today wasn't one of them. I'm sure you're busy. A simple word of concern wouldn't take up much of your time, would it? It's almost as if I'm just something that you give attention to as and when you want to. I'm sick of your excuses and your lies. You don't know it, cause frankly speaking, I can't and I don't want to spare my effort to quarrel over something else. Live and let live. It's just difficult when it happens so often and your statements are just so contradictory. It's fine. There will be a time when you finally understand. Sooner or later.

I know you're not the one. Somehow that mere few sentences of conversation just doesn't feel much of an impact to me. I don't know if it means anything permanent. Let's just wait and see. At least it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm not like him or those that I fear of becoming. Thank you. (:

09

I think I've decided. I just feel like I enjoy being with you, but I enjoy other people to be around at the same time. I don't know. I'm not saying I feel awkward with you alone. I just feel like our relationship is becoming like a sibling/friend relationship instead of having that heart pumping feeling. Honestly, I miss it. I miss being touched by a guy's affection, a guy's sincere heart and a guy going out of his way to make me happy. But I don't know how long I have gone without that feeling. I know you love me. I still love you too. We just don't know how to show our love in a way that the other appreciates it the most.
I guess today made me realise how different we are. All those FT talks, those personality traits and stuff make me realise that if we don't change the way we treat one another or change what we expect from one another, life together is just going to be so difficult. I need control over my life. I need plans. I need routine and habits. You need spontaneous changes and flexibility. I understand that. I don't know how to give you that, but I understand that at the very least. I don't think you do with me. It's not only today that I know we are different. But it's only today that I realise that these 2 years have been wasted because we did not try to change or fix all these differences.
I give up trying to celebrate our anniversaries. I promise. If we are going to be together still, I give up celebrating our monthly anniversaries. What's the point of saying "one down, many more to come" when I don't even want that anymore. I just feel like taking a look into that magic mirror and looking into my future to know who's going to be my Mr Right. My that last wish, I still count on you. I'm tired. Of trying to make you understand how I am feeling. Of trying to tell you what I want, what will truly make me happy. Of trying to gain more control of you cause you are such a big part in my life. And then failing desperately. I figured I got confused along the way. I got mixed up between what I truly want and what I think I want. And I realised, it's not so much about my life but more about my relationship.
Remember my Facebook post, it wasn't about life. It was about you. I felt unhappy. I feel unhappy when I don't know something. But talking made me clear I still want the same things in life. I just want a different partner to share it with. I want someone who understands me and gives in when I'm angry but makes me realise my blind spots when I'm appeased. I'm not trying to say give in to me even when I'm unreasonable. I'm saying tell me later cause you know I'm not going to listen when I'm angry anyway. Every time I bring up a topic, something I dislike, I end up being reprimanded although I started off angry. It's confusing for me. I end up thinking oh is it my fault? Only to realise that I merely lost the battle amidst the confusion.
You said relationship is about sacrifices and making the other person happy. I'm not saying you didn't do your part, I'm saying we didn't do ours. Have you realised that we started becoming each other's BFFs instead? I wonder if you feel this way too actually. That I'm just your most convenient friend to call along for dinner, your most convenient friend work with and your most convenient friend to call every night.
Sometimes, I wish I could replay all these again. Just to see if things would still end up this way.
<3 p="">

08

And in another life, I would be your girl.
We keep all our promises, be us against the world.

And in another life, I would make you stay.

So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

07

I just want my one last wish to come true.