17

I don't know how to feel. Happy that you still love me like how I think I still love you or sad that I wasn't able to change your mindset. I know that in a relationship, you should never be trying to change someone. I was so clueless to how you were feeling, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pressurising you so badly. I'm sorry I couldn't change the way you feel about marriage. What you said last night just left me so confused about what I should do and how I should feel. All I can say is, I'll take nature take its course and leave everything to fate.

At least, now I know why.
I'm sorry.

16

I just cannot bring myself to say that this is the last post about you, cause I know that someday I might not be able to resist the urge to need to say something. Tomorrow marks 2 months. 2 months since that night. And well, I'm still looking back and wondering if things will still be this way if you could just put down your pride that very moment. Whether I wish you done something that night, I don't know. But I dare say that if you did, things wouldn't be this way. Everything you do right now shows me how much you're regretting it, regretting how you treated me the past few months and regretting how you let your mind get a hold of yourself rather than your heart. I know I loved you, I know you still love me. Even so, I can't let myself be yours if you're going to stay the same. It's just too painful.
I want this 2 weeks to be a wake up call.

I want this 2 weeks to be a wake up call. Maybe it's not just a damn crush. I'm putting too much into this for it to be healing me well. Let this 2 weeks be a wake up call. For you and for me. If I'm not good enough, it's not me it's you. Never believed in those words "I'm not good enough" and not planning to, not for you not for anyone.

What is meant to be will be. Don't let anyone change you into something you're not and don't let yourself become someone you hate. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve cause you will very well end up with even less. You're worth so much more, don't ever stop believing in those 5 words.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Life is not a bed of roses but if you close your eyes and try to imagine, who knows?
Keep going and don't let yourself fall. You were once happy alone, there's no reason you can't be again.

There's still him to pick you up when you're down, don't lose hope.

15

I can do this. Just a month left. (: Take a big breathe and go! :D

I know it's not you I miss.
I just miss the company.
And the memories.

Well for every pleasant memory I can garner, I am pretty sure I can remember one that leaves me feeling lousy about myself. And that's okay. Cause every relationship has its ups and downs. It always boils down to effort, commitment and passion. The main three things lacking in ours. To be honest, I haven't had the time to reflect about our relationship because I don't have the courage to. It doesn't matter how I feel about you now for I have utmost confidence in being able to push away any reminiscent feelings I have for you, if any. I just don't want to think about your actions, your effort (or rather, lack of) and your feelings because I don't ever want to start hating you. You're right, probably a 100% even, that we'll be able to be close friends because of the fact that we can get along pretty well and that we know each other so well, sometimes even further than the extent of knowing ourselves. But the very fact that you're right shows how wrong we were. How wrong we were for two and a half years. I just realised, a few seconds ago, that we broke up right the very day before we could celebrate our two years and seven months anniversary. That means it was a very accurate two and a half years. Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to spend another painful anniversary. I'm not blaming you because it's my fault. It's my fault for hoping and setting my expectations high. I want the best for myself, the best that I can get. Now I know, that it's about your own efforts. I will continue looking and fighting. Just because I gave up on you doesn't mean I gave up on love.

I'm still waiting patiently for my Mr. Right.
<3 p="">

14

Well, it suddenly dawned on me that the people whom I have always, in some way or another, looked up to in my life act in the way opposite of what they believe. You are how you act, not just how you believe - Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith).
It just pains me to know that you have acted rationally instead of logically, especially when it comes to something as important as this. I want to tell you something but I cannot. I just cannot bear to break your hearts like how you did to mine. So I will never say that I have always longed to grow up and leave my nest.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy here and nevertheless truly thankful for the way you have raised me. I see flaws in the way my brother and I are brought up. Well, if someone starts treating their own blood brother as a fellow housemate, I sure there is something wrong. If you can't fix it, that's alright. If you won't let me fix it, then I guess the only other way is for me to leave.
I know what I want to be like when I become a parent in future. All these lessons are taught by you, some as positive learning points and some as "I don't want to be like that". Honestly, I miss the way you treated me and taught me right from wrong as a child. You reminded me that every "no" had an explanation behind. You reminded me that I will be accepted and treated nicely as long as I told the truth. You made me feel that there is no place better than home.

I promise, I'd be better. I promise, you wouldn't want me to reach 21.

13

Give me strength, just for one last day. Not hard guys, just not a 100% ever again. Dumb shit.

12

I want to tell you. I want to talk to you. But it seems like you're never there to listen. You can't even hold your gaze, so what's the point? I'm sorry. Cause once again, I'm the stupid one.

11

I finally understand. The whole picture of it, now I know who I can count on. Honestly, I was so angry because I was forced to let it go when I am not capable of it yet. By them, and now by you. I will do it, when he gets his just desserts. Just not now, not when nothing is accomplished. You think I'm overly concerned of little things, well maybe I am. But guess what, that's just me wanting a little more fairness in this world. It's just me saying "if you say you're not fair and you show bias, then so be it. Say it and I'll let you be bias". That's just me saying "if you don't have the guts to say it, you jolly well not have the guts to do it either". How is that wrong? You saying it in my face that since I'm overly concerned of little things in my life, I can't amount to anything in life and then saying that you're on my side - that's not wrong, that's just plain dumb. Well too bad. Maybe I would believe you in the past. With that simple mind of mine. But right now, it's too late. I can't amount to anything in life? Yes, maybe. But that depends on what I want out of my life. I've made choices that leads me to never achieving success in the corporate world. That's fine. I'm totally clear on what I want and I'm well on my way to achieve it. What about you? If you don't even have an aim or if you don't know how to get there, don't go judging the capabilities of others. Anyway, you taught me something today. You woke me up and taught me that the only one I can be my true self in front of is Bboy. Honestly. I always thought once I have to hide my true self, my true emotions in front of my partner, it's a gone case. That's fine.
Today reminded me of an issue I have with you left unresolved. Well, not saying I'm going to resolve it. Just saying that I have not forgotten about it. Bro, I won't forget. Someday, your words will be used against you. And well, the two, they can act all they want. I'm not dumb.