17

I don't know how to feel. Happy that you still love me like how I think I still love you or sad that I wasn't able to change your mindset. I know that in a relationship, you should never be trying to change someone. I was so clueless to how you were feeling, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for pressurising you so badly. I'm sorry I couldn't change the way you feel about marriage. What you said last night just left me so confused about what I should do and how I should feel. All I can say is, I'll take nature take its course and leave everything to fate.

At least, now I know why.
I'm sorry.

16

I just cannot bring myself to say that this is the last post about you, cause I know that someday I might not be able to resist the urge to need to say something. Tomorrow marks 2 months. 2 months since that night. And well, I'm still looking back and wondering if things will still be this way if you could just put down your pride that very moment. Whether I wish you done something that night, I don't know. But I dare say that if you did, things wouldn't be this way. Everything you do right now shows me how much you're regretting it, regretting how you treated me the past few months and regretting how you let your mind get a hold of yourself rather than your heart. I know I loved you, I know you still love me. Even so, I can't let myself be yours if you're going to stay the same. It's just too painful.
I want this 2 weeks to be a wake up call.

I want this 2 weeks to be a wake up call. Maybe it's not just a damn crush. I'm putting too much into this for it to be healing me well. Let this 2 weeks be a wake up call. For you and for me. If I'm not good enough, it's not me it's you. Never believed in those words "I'm not good enough" and not planning to, not for you not for anyone.

What is meant to be will be. Don't let anyone change you into something you're not and don't let yourself become someone you hate. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve cause you will very well end up with even less. You're worth so much more, don't ever stop believing in those 5 words.

Say something I'm giving up on you.

Life is not a bed of roses but if you close your eyes and try to imagine, who knows?
Keep going and don't let yourself fall. You were once happy alone, there's no reason you can't be again.

There's still him to pick you up when you're down, don't lose hope.

15

I can do this. Just a month left. (: Take a big breathe and go! :D

I know it's not you I miss.
I just miss the company.
And the memories.

Well for every pleasant memory I can garner, I am pretty sure I can remember one that leaves me feeling lousy about myself. And that's okay. Cause every relationship has its ups and downs. It always boils down to effort, commitment and passion. The main three things lacking in ours. To be honest, I haven't had the time to reflect about our relationship because I don't have the courage to. It doesn't matter how I feel about you now for I have utmost confidence in being able to push away any reminiscent feelings I have for you, if any. I just don't want to think about your actions, your effort (or rather, lack of) and your feelings because I don't ever want to start hating you. You're right, probably a 100% even, that we'll be able to be close friends because of the fact that we can get along pretty well and that we know each other so well, sometimes even further than the extent of knowing ourselves. But the very fact that you're right shows how wrong we were. How wrong we were for two and a half years. I just realised, a few seconds ago, that we broke up right the very day before we could celebrate our two years and seven months anniversary. That means it was a very accurate two and a half years. Well, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to spend another painful anniversary. I'm not blaming you because it's my fault. It's my fault for hoping and setting my expectations high. I want the best for myself, the best that I can get. Now I know, that it's about your own efforts. I will continue looking and fighting. Just because I gave up on you doesn't mean I gave up on love.

I'm still waiting patiently for my Mr. Right.
<3 p="">

14

Well, it suddenly dawned on me that the people whom I have always, in some way or another, looked up to in my life act in the way opposite of what they believe. You are how you act, not just how you believe - Mitch Albom (Have A Little Faith).
It just pains me to know that you have acted rationally instead of logically, especially when it comes to something as important as this. I want to tell you something but I cannot. I just cannot bear to break your hearts like how you did to mine. So I will never say that I have always longed to grow up and leave my nest.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy here and nevertheless truly thankful for the way you have raised me. I see flaws in the way my brother and I are brought up. Well, if someone starts treating their own blood brother as a fellow housemate, I sure there is something wrong. If you can't fix it, that's alright. If you won't let me fix it, then I guess the only other way is for me to leave.
I know what I want to be like when I become a parent in future. All these lessons are taught by you, some as positive learning points and some as "I don't want to be like that". Honestly, I miss the way you treated me and taught me right from wrong as a child. You reminded me that every "no" had an explanation behind. You reminded me that I will be accepted and treated nicely as long as I told the truth. You made me feel that there is no place better than home.

I promise, I'd be better. I promise, you wouldn't want me to reach 21.

13

Give me strength, just for one last day. Not hard guys, just not a 100% ever again. Dumb shit.

12

I want to tell you. I want to talk to you. But it seems like you're never there to listen. You can't even hold your gaze, so what's the point? I'm sorry. Cause once again, I'm the stupid one.

11

I finally understand. The whole picture of it, now I know who I can count on. Honestly, I was so angry because I was forced to let it go when I am not capable of it yet. By them, and now by you. I will do it, when he gets his just desserts. Just not now, not when nothing is accomplished. You think I'm overly concerned of little things, well maybe I am. But guess what, that's just me wanting a little more fairness in this world. It's just me saying "if you say you're not fair and you show bias, then so be it. Say it and I'll let you be bias". That's just me saying "if you don't have the guts to say it, you jolly well not have the guts to do it either". How is that wrong? You saying it in my face that since I'm overly concerned of little things in my life, I can't amount to anything in life and then saying that you're on my side - that's not wrong, that's just plain dumb. Well too bad. Maybe I would believe you in the past. With that simple mind of mine. But right now, it's too late. I can't amount to anything in life? Yes, maybe. But that depends on what I want out of my life. I've made choices that leads me to never achieving success in the corporate world. That's fine. I'm totally clear on what I want and I'm well on my way to achieve it. What about you? If you don't even have an aim or if you don't know how to get there, don't go judging the capabilities of others. Anyway, you taught me something today. You woke me up and taught me that the only one I can be my true self in front of is Bboy. Honestly. I always thought once I have to hide my true self, my true emotions in front of my partner, it's a gone case. That's fine.
Today reminded me of an issue I have with you left unresolved. Well, not saying I'm going to resolve it. Just saying that I have not forgotten about it. Bro, I won't forget. Someday, your words will be used against you. And well, the two, they can act all they want. I'm not dumb.

10

Honestly, today's paper was just a torture. Thanks for the 3 hours when like 1/3 of the time spent was figuring out what the question wanted in the first place. How can something so easy be phrased in such a incomprehensible manner? Am I tested on my knowledge or my ability to comprehend weird English. I just feel so unjust because I tried. I spent my effort trying to understand but I felt like I just wasted my efforts. It's okay. It's time to move on.

I'm confused. At times, I feel like things are getting better and well, maybe with effort on both parts, we can really end up being happily ever after. Of course, not to forget some minor squabbles. But well, those are the good days. Today wasn't one of them. I'm sure you're busy. A simple word of concern wouldn't take up much of your time, would it? It's almost as if I'm just something that you give attention to as and when you want to. I'm sick of your excuses and your lies. You don't know it, cause frankly speaking, I can't and I don't want to spare my effort to quarrel over something else. Live and let live. It's just difficult when it happens so often and your statements are just so contradictory. It's fine. There will be a time when you finally understand. Sooner or later.

I know you're not the one. Somehow that mere few sentences of conversation just doesn't feel much of an impact to me. I don't know if it means anything permanent. Let's just wait and see. At least it gives me a sense of satisfaction that I'm not like him or those that I fear of becoming. Thank you. (:

09

I think I've decided. I just feel like I enjoy being with you, but I enjoy other people to be around at the same time. I don't know. I'm not saying I feel awkward with you alone. I just feel like our relationship is becoming like a sibling/friend relationship instead of having that heart pumping feeling. Honestly, I miss it. I miss being touched by a guy's affection, a guy's sincere heart and a guy going out of his way to make me happy. But I don't know how long I have gone without that feeling. I know you love me. I still love you too. We just don't know how to show our love in a way that the other appreciates it the most.
I guess today made me realise how different we are. All those FT talks, those personality traits and stuff make me realise that if we don't change the way we treat one another or change what we expect from one another, life together is just going to be so difficult. I need control over my life. I need plans. I need routine and habits. You need spontaneous changes and flexibility. I understand that. I don't know how to give you that, but I understand that at the very least. I don't think you do with me. It's not only today that I know we are different. But it's only today that I realise that these 2 years have been wasted because we did not try to change or fix all these differences.
I give up trying to celebrate our anniversaries. I promise. If we are going to be together still, I give up celebrating our monthly anniversaries. What's the point of saying "one down, many more to come" when I don't even want that anymore. I just feel like taking a look into that magic mirror and looking into my future to know who's going to be my Mr Right. My that last wish, I still count on you. I'm tired. Of trying to make you understand how I am feeling. Of trying to tell you what I want, what will truly make me happy. Of trying to gain more control of you cause you are such a big part in my life. And then failing desperately. I figured I got confused along the way. I got mixed up between what I truly want and what I think I want. And I realised, it's not so much about my life but more about my relationship.
Remember my Facebook post, it wasn't about life. It was about you. I felt unhappy. I feel unhappy when I don't know something. But talking made me clear I still want the same things in life. I just want a different partner to share it with. I want someone who understands me and gives in when I'm angry but makes me realise my blind spots when I'm appeased. I'm not trying to say give in to me even when I'm unreasonable. I'm saying tell me later cause you know I'm not going to listen when I'm angry anyway. Every time I bring up a topic, something I dislike, I end up being reprimanded although I started off angry. It's confusing for me. I end up thinking oh is it my fault? Only to realise that I merely lost the battle amidst the confusion.
You said relationship is about sacrifices and making the other person happy. I'm not saying you didn't do your part, I'm saying we didn't do ours. Have you realised that we started becoming each other's BFFs instead? I wonder if you feel this way too actually. That I'm just your most convenient friend to call along for dinner, your most convenient friend work with and your most convenient friend to call every night.
Sometimes, I wish I could replay all these again. Just to see if things would still end up this way.
<3 p="">

08

And in another life, I would be your girl.
We keep all our promises, be us against the world.

And in another life, I would make you stay.

So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.

07

I just want my one last wish to come true.

06

I don't know. Should I? I just feel like you don't even care anymore. I know it's hard. I'm tired too. But if I were to really ask myself who is the one who put more of their heart and soul into this relationship, it's not even a close fight. Am I wrong? Am I trying to convince myself that there's no one else in this? I just feel like my heart died on 14.02.2013. And somehow it got revived along the way, with a tiny speck of life. And then, bit by bit, it wore off. I don't feel like I wasted my time. You made me a better person. There's no doubt about that. I just feel like I don't deserve to be crying my eyes out every other week. To a certain extent, I would rather quarrel my lungs out with you face-to-face or over the phone like in the past. Rather then this cold war that hurts like a blade through my heart. And looking around, there's only a hand few of people that I can talk to. For people that can really help, much lesser. What's a relationship without that heart pumping feeling? What's a relationship without commitments and quality time together? Sometimes I really wonder if I ever got to forgiving you. And if I hadn't, why am I at this step of life right now? When time matters so much and I can't even get to doing the stuff I need to, much less those that I want to. This time of the night, I wish that there's someone who would just hold my hand and tell me that everything is going to be alright. 11 August 2013. I'd be waiting.

05

I just want my one last wish to come true. 6 more months. Patience.

04

If there's a choice between disappointing and expected, I wouldn't know which to pick. I don't know what's worse, not feeling that heart thumping feeling when we meet everyday or feeling that today is just another day. I just couldn't resist hearing: ~ I was the man who never lied I never lied until today But I just couldn't break your heart Like you did mine yesterday~ To a certain extent, I didn't even feel like I was sad or anything. Just that, this is my second EVER Valentine's Day spent with someone special. And I could barely force a smile onto my face. It's alright. Anything, any pain any suffering, if my that one wish would come true.

03

Found myself at your door, Just like all those times before, I’m not sure how I got there, All roads they lead me here. I imagine you are home, In your room, all alone, And you open your eyes into mine, And everything feels better, Right before your eyes, I’m breaking and fast, No reasons why, Just you and me. This is the last time I’m asking you this, Put my name on the top of your list, This is the last time I’m asking you why, You break my heart in the blink of an eye. You find yourself at my door, Just like all those times before, You wear your best apology, But I was there to watch you leave, And all the times I let you in, Just for you to go again, Disappear when you come back, Everything is better. When right before your eyes, I’m aching, run fast, Nowhere to hide, Just you and me…

02

It's their house. It's their right. Don't expect things to go your way because you're not who you think you are to them. But guess what? That has its benefits too. You're not. You're not. But one day, you can leave and leave with any worries or regrets. Nobody can expect to count on you cause they didn't prove themselves when you wanted to count on them. Put your head, heart and soul into people and things you care about. One day, they'll just prove to be a waste of head, heart and soul. You know what, expectations lead to effort which leads to failure and disappointment. Go with people and things that you know you can trust and rely on. Sometimes, there's only one. And for the rest, why even bother talking to them, replying any extra words/sentences. Give them what they deserve. They certainly didn't bother to give you any better. Maybe, just maybe, this would teach them to treat their other child right. Some things, you cherish only after you lose.

01

After all this, it still came down to you. I don't know why. I don't need all these people. They don't even care anyway. Well, I guess somethings are easier said than done. I need something to aim for in life. Grades? Passion? Position? I don't know. Just something can won't ever, ever let me down. Ever. Other than you, I don't know if I can even find something even close. You know what? It's like there's something in me that feels like letting all these go. Just one day, one week. Not giving a shit about anything and just do whatever I want. Go places that I really want to go to. Somewhere I can truly feel happy. You think I want to care so much about him? I care, he says I shouldn't. I don't, he asks why didn't I. I miss you. I really do. Sometimes, I give up on everyone and everything, I think about you. And well, I can't be here without you today.