43

They say that when a girl is quiet, a thousand things are running through her mind.

Saying the wrong things would make you mad, not saying anything would make you mad. But I just can't bring myself to say the right things. I kept thinking why should I keep to my side of the deal if you didn't. And I realised that it's not about the deal. It's never about doing what the other person wants because you have to, but about doing what the other person wants because that's what makes him/her happy. And maybe we just both can't get there.

42

I don't know why the way you acted made me cry again and again. It doesn't matter if you want to deny this till your death, I know the truth and I will never forgive you for it. Before the talk, I kept thinking about how it will turn out to be, what are the right words to say and whether you making the right decision would give me the urge to forgive you. The urge that I didn't want to have. So I'm glad things turned out this way. I'm glad I hope she doesn't know because, it would really kill me to know that she was tolerating your bullshit because of us, or because of me.

I wish I could say I just want to go to sleep and wake up with everything the way it was before. But right now, I just want to right things as quickly and as painlessly I can. I'm dreading this Saturday, I'm dreading all the instances that I have to face you and them cause you three just don't deserve us. You can have your favourite dinner yourselves.

No second chances. Not for a cowardly, egoistic bastard.

_________________________________________________________________________________

I wish I could just hug you and tell you that things are going to be okay. No matter what, you will have us by your side. No matter what, we will do our very best to protect you and keep you happy. When you're not here, I just want to make my way to see you and be by your side. But when I see you, I don't know how to face you. And I don't want to break your happy bubble, but I must. I just hope that you can make that decision for yourself and know that you're moving on to a better, happier phase of your life.

9 years ago, I told myself to be strong for you.
9 years later, I'm sure I can do it again, this time, for the right reason.

Whenever I feel like the world's being a bully, I always go to you and cry my eyes. Right now, I really wish I could.

41

Whenever something good or bad happens, there's always different ways to think about it. Whether it is a result of our own doing or an external cause. I've always thought that having an internal locus of control is better, since that means I'd always strive hard to achieve good things and that I'd always aim to change my behaviour and actions to avoid bad things from happening. But I realised, that's not always the case. There's nothing in accepting an external locus of control sometimes, viewing what has happened as simply luck or circumstance. Things may go our way (or not) and maybe it's nice to disregard our ability to make that happen.

40

Well, just one post away and it's another rage post.

I promise, I'll never raise my family this way.

Committing mistakes repeatedly comes with no negative warnings, no punishments and no ill consequences whatsoever. But pointing out mistakes does. And what does that lead to?
More mistakes and no incentives to be the good kid.

Now I'm just contemplating working with you.

39

I had this sudden urge to make sure this doesn't become just an avenue for me to vent my frustrations. I started out wanting it to document special events in my life, something for me to look back on to remember what I'm like, the thoughts running through my head and the way I've been living my life.

So yes, two events that I want to remember happened today.

The first was when a group of kindergarten kids walked past me this morning. And one cheeky little boy grinned and waved at me. When I smiled back, him and his group of friends giggled to themselves. I guess it's just the kind of naivety that really struck me and somehow I wished I kept that little part of me: the younger me that never feared strangers. But well, at least I know that no matter how I say I'm not a fan of kids, I still am.

Well the second, isn't exactly a special event. But crossing the road after dinner with my dad made me realise how much you're like him. I've always been able to take care of myself, and even others. I'm independent and I can live alone (with the exception of eating out). But somehow, when I'm with the two of you, a simple decision of when to cross the road becomes difficult because I'm waiting for you to lead the way. Don't worry, I can do this perfectly well when I'm on my own.

Hehe, I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't laugh when I can't decide what to eat, it's all your fault! :p

38

I told you not to let him buy it. Now I'm just thinking of the best ways to get back.

37

Stop making bad decisions.

36

I guess I've had enough. I'm fine with you getting away with disobeying them. And I'm also done respecting you as the older brother you should be. Do whatever makes you happy but I'm never going to listen to you ever again.

Still wish you moved out 6 months ago.

35

In each relationship, it's about balancing the closeness you have with that person to reap the maximum net happiness or hurt caused.

Thanks Mum, for the birds' nest. It really pains me to see how guilty you are because you feel you're not providing enough. You are. We're both old enough and sensible enough to take care of ourselves and put the needs of the family before our own. Whenever something happens to you, I can't help but wish I could freeze time so we could all stay here in this moment. I can't deal with loss, not anymore.

No more heartfelt conversations with you. No hard feelings but I'm done with knowing about your life.

From tomorrow, I live my life right.

And hopefully, I'll stop saying it.

34

It's really quite amazing the difference in the way you treat us. I'm not sure I'd rather be the more loved child if simply staying out late (11plus) would justify hearing such harsh words and rude tone of voice over the phone. Do and say whatever you want. To think you could still say things like "no wonder Dad would...", I just resisted the urge to say "no wonder Bro would...".
Try me.

I feel like saying, it's okay, go on that trip yourselves. Does it take you that many years to know that everything comes at a cost? And family bonding doesn't necessarily need an overseas trip. Especially when you can't even afford to pay attention to each other in Singapore.

Honestly, I'm so fed up with needing to destress with this blog, especially when I live with you guys.
-.-||

33

Cause blogging calms me down.

I must say, the last 5 days have been tough. Somehow, time just seem to pass faster when you're around and even more so, when we're together. I guess, what I'm trying to say here is, I'm just really thankful you're back safe and sound. Aside from that heat rash.


It's my last semester. Amongst all the other concerns about finding a job that checks all the boxes, I'm just hoping to find that determination to stay true to my heart. 5 years down the road, I hope to be able to say, "I'm glad I made these choices in my university life."

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice 3 years ago. Thinking back, capable friends, more overseas opportunities, 50% off tuition fees and exchange and not to mention a confidence boost sure sounds like a great deal. It's nice seeing everyone most of us doing so well, but it puts pressure on the rest of us. And it's just incredibly hard to live up to the same expectations.

I'm just glad I took on a different path. Don't forget, you don't need years of sacrifices to get to the same end goal if you know exactly what you want.

On a side note, congratulations. Being the first to sign that paper, you sure have done yourself, your parents and all of us proud. It's really hard for me to be a closer friend but I hope you treasure what you have, be proud of what you have achieved and don't forget to live life to your fullest.

Everyone needs a reminder not to lose track of what is most important in life.

Seems like I'd never get a break. Damn, I hate school. Year 4 is supposed to be chill.

32

For once, I want to be the housemate.

I think as parents, it's easy to lose track of what the real argument is.
Wait who am I kidding, if you guys can lose track of that, then maybe I should be the parent instead.

Well, one thing makes sense though, it's our life and our decision lies in which path to take. And ultimately, we bear the consequences of our actions. We're old enough to know and think about the impacts our decisions have, on ourselves and on the family. Then again, seems like I'm the only sensible one.

The whole time I was saying about the principle of obeying rules, not being gender specific, and I'm sure the only thing on your minds is whether I was doing the same thing. All your responses were about girls losing out. Hmm, is what way does that even relate to him not obeying rules? Did I even say that I am trying to do the same thing? I'm not a fucking slut.

And it's funny. This same old shit has been happening over and over again. But somehow, the whole thing just blows over and I get angry all over again when it happens the next time. So I'm sure this time isn't going to be any different. For the record, it's here for me to look at and think about.

Maybe I lost a brother a long time ago.

Hey baby, I don't know if you can read this from where you are right now. And even though you're probably feeling shitty being in the shitty place, I still wish I was there with you. Cause where we are doesn't matter, I just really need you by my side. Ahh well, just 24.5 more hours till I get to hold you in my arms.
I love you, baby! ♥

31

And I'm 22.

I don't know how many people have heard my 16th birthday story but I'm definitely not exaggerating when I say it has left me scarred for life. HAHA. Okay I don't hate you as much anymore but you still didn't have to do that then. Anyway, I have never looked forward to my birthday celebrations since then.

I probably still don't.

All I know is, I want to spend my remaining birthdays with you.

I guess what really suck about celebrating your birthday is the immense pressure to be more sensible and more sure of what you're doing and what you want in life. Grr, that feeling of everyone's expectation for you to just grow up. I hate growing up.

Every birthday, thanks to you, I'm now burden with the thought that I have to be wiser for I shouldn't just be celebrating the passing of 365 days. Well, I guess this year, I felt more enlightened than all the years before.

Most of my friends, if not all, think that I've made a rash decision 143 days ago. Whether it's rash or not, I guess it doesn't matter. Especially when every passing day makes me feel even more relieved that I chose to say yes. When you love someone so hard and everything fell apart, it's hard to let your guard down to let someone else in again. I must say, when we first got together, I couldn't. I always said that I date with the intention of marrying. But that first few weeks, my explanation was just "let's see how things go". I don't know if you know it, and how you'll feel to know this now. But all you need to know is, that changed. As we spend more and more time together, it's just so easy to picture my future, our future. Like you say "it's the little things" that made the drama so touching and enjoyable, "it's the little things" that you do that make me smile and feel so touched inside. I really am, super lucky, to have you by my side. And I'd do anything to keep you here. My 22nd birthday, I spent it with you. If I could replay it a million times (Hallelujah, chance!), I'd choose to do the same.

Thank you, baby. I really can't imagine life without you anymore. So please keep loving me the way you do now.
And here's to the next 70 years of our lives together.
♥

30

I haven't had the time to really think about how I feel about my new room. In a geek-mathematic sort of way, what is the net cost/benefit? And I guess there's plenty of other factors that come into play, all the recent events that seemingly affected my mood. Well, that's pretty damn difficult to distinguish how different I feel from my new room itself. But let's try...

The convenience now that I have a big ass mirror that can finally act as sort of a dressing table that I so dearly desire or the inconvenience of my king-size bed that makes getting around my room somewhat difficult?

The comfort of waking up in a huge bed knowing that no matter how wide I stretch and how much I roll about in my sleep, I'm still on the bed and under my fluffy quilt or the discomfort from not knowing when my huge boyfriend is going to hit his head from the narrow walking space and low-hanging cabinet?

And of course, the warm feeling that my parents are always so readily to spend their hard earned money just to get that smile on my face or stop me from whining and begging :p. Sometimes, it makes me feel like a spoilt brat. But, same old theory that's running in my mind, whatever you take you give back.

I really miss you guys. Somehow, even though I guess I have more freedom when you both are overseas, and it's only been two days -.- but I just can't help but want you guys back to nag at me and make this house just slightly noisier. I wish you knew. I wish you were here to right things. And I really wish he just doesn't stay here anymore.
Nothing but inconvenience.

Blogging helps keep my mind off complicated issues that I know I really shouldn't be poking my nose into. I guess it didn't help. It's funny how regularly there's rage posts about you. You're right, weed out the people that have bad influence on you. Cause sometimes, you are defined by the people that you associate yourself with but this time, I really don't see how you have been a good brother.

Gee, what a long post :/

29

Year 2015. I guess everyone celebrates their twenty-first like it's a big deal and all, but this birthday would mean so much more to me than the last. I'm proud to say that I've grown so much over the course of this year. I've learnt so much, from all the conflicts that happened, the tragic events that I'm forced to face and the warmth I can always hide in when the world gets too much for me to handle. I've always said "I can do it" but ultimately, I learnt that sometimes, it's okay to admit otherwise. Thinking back, I remember how we'd stay strong and force back our tears so she knows that in times of weakness, she can always count on us. Even though, it eventually ended up with the three of us in tears. I'd never want to go back to that and I wish time could just stop here, right now.

It's been ages since I finally got around to really packing and clearing up unwanted things in my life. Seeing all those little gifts, notes and letters helped enlighten me about how easy it is to say "I'd always be here" or "if you ever need me". I'm not saying I need you, or you, or you.. cause I don't. I have never hesitated before cutting people off from my life or dumping useless things that were only gathering dust.
A full bag of rubbish with every hour I spend clearing junk.

Some things change, some things don't. I will try to care less.

I hate your salted egg sotong la :x

28

That was so cute. I miss you and I can't wait for the weekends.

27

I hope you know that we are all here for you. Right now's not the right time. To be honest, I wonder if you'll ever grief the way I've seen anyone did. Seven years is a long time, but you know she's right when she said "you don't love her enough". It doesn't matter now, just put the past behind you, concentrate on the present and the future will naturally come.
I'm still torn between wanting to help you and being alone.

These two months have flown by. Mixed feelings as I approach my last semester and it almost feels like I have nothing to look forward to anymore. I still don't know what I want, that's almost as terrifying as not knowing what I don't want either. It's hard being confused and stressed when it's so natural just living life by passing each day. And then again, it's nice to have small milestones to focus on for the past twenty-two years.
Urgent but unimportant things.
I'll never forget your words, but at least I'm old enough to interpret them in my own way, and to see for myself how you have neglect those non-urgent yet super important things.

I can't wait for the new change, just 6 more days. At least, it's something else to look forward to. Maybe the nicest holiday I've ever had. No homework, no deadlines, no commitments and just doing whatever my heart feels like.

Two more months.

There's slowly a bridge forming and I want to tell you that it's not because of him. You're right when you say you hate it when you find out your friends lie to you. But she's right when she said I choose my friends wisely. It's hard to stay angry at you but it doesn't change the fact that I no longer enjoy spending time with you. And today is the last day of classes.

26

A.S.S.H.O.L.E.

I don't like spending time with you anymore. It's always what you like to do, what you want to talk about and where you want to go to. I'm damn annoyed but then again, how do you tell someone that they are too self-centred? What's with all the self-centred people in my life? Just stop bothering me, a few hours a week is bad enough.

HAHA, a big I-told-so from 7 years back. Thanks for not listening to me, cause it seems like you both hate her more than I ever did.

Random bad nights that make me fear that you're going to be right. Let's just hope only one person know me better than I know myself. I need something to keep me busy.

Things will be better. Really?

Grapefruit juice :x

25

I didn't think that I'd be making a post so soon but I think I need to, to avoid some half fuck confrontation with you. Half fuck cause it's technically none of my business and it's nice to see how she would react to seeing you act this way but yet I just hate people being rude to me. Well, vent it on me all you want cause I'm sure you know all these will be forgotten in just days. But then again, whatever you are doing now just shows what kind of person you are. Rule #1: never resort to violence to get what you want. You should know that very well.

And in just two months' time, I'd be pitying you, no matter what decision you end up making. Not like I didn't help, you just refuse to get yourself out of the shit you are in. Maybe I'm just making all the effort right now to make up for my indifference in you when you finally do leave.

Yeah well, he looks perfect. So what. It's minimal commitment after I get what I want.

RAR so much for a rage post. Still feeling meh :x

24

It's hard to tell you that I know you're depressed and sometimes no matter how busy you are, you can't get your mind off her. And it's even harder to tell you that the "what-ifs" don't stop. You just need to constantly make conscious choices to get her out of your mind. I'm thankful that you two are in different schools, cause it will be so much easier. And I wanna say that, no matter what, we'll be here for you! It's sad for us to see you like this because we want the best for you. But it doesn't mean that we'll stop wanting to be with you or we think that you changed. You're still the same person, deep down inside (especially when you talk about JP). And one day, you'll go back to being you. (: We'll be waiting for that day!

Remember how I said sometimes I need a break because I'd go back to thinking about him? I want you to know that she'll always be part of you, somehow. But that will not stop you from moving on. And things will get better. You just have to have faith that she'll just be a memory in future. Until then, I still get to say "IDC about N".

Awkward waves are nice because I wouldn't know how to start a topic with you anymore and maybe it'll just be considered meaningless small talk. I just hope you're fine. Such a turn of events but I still want you to stay firm to your decision cause it's still the best for you.

RAR I don't know how to start. I get why you're like this and that you have always been, for as long as I can remember. Let's just not go back to secondary school days, I can't do that again. It's just not right. And I'm not that me anymore. I hate when you guys make me regret doing something right.

Spring cleaning made me realise maybe I hung onto you a little longer than I should have.

So excited for SUMMER that I realised maybe I got my priorities wrong. Ahh well, I'm not really graduating yet anyway :/